Instructions for a Criterium

If instructions for racing a Criterium were like the instructions given in a technical challenge on The Great British Baking Show:



  • One bike
  • One helmet
  • One pair of cycling shoes
  • 2 ounces of chamois cream
  • 1 bottle of water with 1 scoop of electrolytes
  • 1 number pinned flat against jersey using eight safety pins
  • 1 charged Garmin 820
  • 1 pair of thick gloves
  • 1 .7 mile course with four right-hand turns
  • 30 racers



Toss bib number, safety pins, jersey.

Heat legs on trainer.

Mix 2 parts water, 1 part UCAN Starch, 1 part BioSteel, quarter part MCT oil.

Roll two laps on course before race.

Line up in second row behind pros.

Combine breath, stress, whistle, pedals, and cadence.

Do not pedal through turns.

Grind gears to hold wheels of Pros.

Sift behind wheels to hide from wind.

Stare at tire six inches from yours.

Watch their hips, their head, look between their legs.

Look past turns, at lap counter, for attacks.

Listen to shifting gears.

Knead breaths into pedals, power up hill.

Melt across the finish line. Cool down before serving.