I Know Nothing & Neither Do You

I can’t give you any answers. So if you came here thinking that, you’re wrong.

I can only share what I’m going through and hope it helps you in some way, even to know you’re not alone.

I’m lost.

As the great Socrates said, “I know that I know nothing.”

I don’t know what I want to do, who I want to be, or where I want to be. And it scares the hell out of me.

I used to be so sure of myself, that I was going to work for the CIA, catching terrorists, living in DC in a sweet penthouse. Rich as hell.

When I was 15, if you would have told me that I’d be struggling as a Personal Trainer and Freelance Writer, while still living at my mother’s because my husband (who I had a crush on when I was 15) and I are continually outbid, while dealing with some form of depression/anxiety, meanwhile racing my bike, I would have had some wise crack and maybe even gave you the finger, followed by expletives.

And through high school into undergrad, up to graduate school, I believed that’s where my education would take me. I even tattooed my favorite painting on my body because I was so sure I’d never come back home after earning my Master’s degree.

I gave up friendships and relationships to chase after a dream. I’ll never get that back.

I applied to dream positions, spending hours on applications, asking for letter of references, and the like. I thought I deserved it because of the money I spent on my degrees, the time I spent reading and writing, and everything I gave up to pursue those careers.

But I was dead wrong. I didn’t (and still don’t) deserve anything. I think this is what causes my misery: The belief that I deserve anything. Just because I did a thing doesn’t mean I deserve shit. No, I’m not the “entitled millennial” that the Gen Xers believe us to be. When I grew up, I was told that if I worked hard, I’d get what I wanted. It’s not true.

You can work your ass off and still not get what you want and just because you work hard doesn’t mean you automatically deserve anything. It’s kind of a sick reality come to terms with when that’s all you’ve ever been told. They made it seem so easy when I was younger. Go to college. Pick a career. Apply. Get that career. Find a partner. Get married. Find a house. Buy it. Live happily ever after. Right?

I was taught to “dream big.” Hell, in 5th Grade we created our own businesses – mine was JDM Lawfirm. My ten-year old ass already had a plan. I wasn’t thinking about just playing with friends outside or my math homework, no, I was planning my future before I could even grasp the concept of future, past, and present. Little 5th grader Jessica would not have guessed I’d be where I’m at now. Last year I wouldn’t have thought I’d be where I’m at today and because of that, I feel like every year I’ve regressed, not progressed.

With each new year, I feel a little less sure of myself and my abilities. My goals and aspirations become a bit fuzzier as my identity evolves. Every new day I question what I truly want in life. I’m confused. I thought I knew what I wanted. I don’t. I don’t know where to go at this point. As a planner, this drives me nuts. I’m throwing shit against the wall, waiting for something to stick. Once something sticks, I follow it. I’ve been following shit and talking to walls for my whole life. I know that I know nothing.

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